TAHLEQUAH — Newlyweds may believe their love is boundless, but those who have decades of marriage under their belts know effort involved in making a marriage work.

Sweethearts can celebrate love all year round, but Valentine’s Day is the official day of romance.

What often begins with a spark of passion can require wisdom and determination to survive the trials of everyday life.

Five couples who have successfully navigated the uncharted sea of love find respect, a sense of humor and friendship necessary for success.

Jim and Lynn Marsh Howard have been married 28 years.

“Our secret? I adore him and he puts up with me!” she said. “No really, he’s the kindest, most generous, tolerant and sensitive person I know, not to mention funny.”

Howard believes real work is the key to longevity in a marriage.

“Amazingly, Jim Howard has made it easy for me and for us,” she said. “We are very much alike in three distinct ways: first is our spiritual direction, second is our ability to put humor into even the most challenging times, and third is our connection. We know each other better than anyone and can sense how we are doing.”

Howard’s advice to new couples is to not put too much emphasis on “special days,” but to make every day count.

Dennis Tibbits proposed to his wife, Kathy, on her birthday, Valentine’s Day, and they’ll celebrate their sixth anniversary this week.

“Marriage is like hanging out with your very best friend forever,” said Kathy. “Dennis and I are in awe of each other. He’s an amazingly fine artist and musician. And he has an extraordinary ability to connect with people: elders, and college students and children.”

They both have a good sense of humor about things, are slow to anger, and put each other first.

“We never ask each other to do anything we wouldn’t do ourselves,” Kathy said. “We’re teammates. We have a common sense of direction.”

They knew each other about 20 years before they married, meeting at a Gemini Music Festival.

“We both grew up here, have creative dads and education-oriented moms, and had the same kind of upbringing,” she said.

Her parents, Gene and the late Bertie Carter, were marvelous examples of success in marriage.

“They were kind and respectful of each other and adored each other,” she said. “My mom thought Dad was a hero, and my dad thought my mom was the most beautiful woman on earth.”

Kathy believes newlyweds shouldn’t rely solely on a spouse to make themselves happy.

“Make yourself happy,” Kathy said. “Unrealistic expectations cause problems, but as an attorney working with divorced couples, substance abuse and money pressure are the two biggest issues causing people to give up on marriage.”

Chris and Carla Howard say fate brought them together almost a decade ago.

“Chris experienced love at first sight,” said Carla. “He almost wrecked his car near Northeastern State University when he did a U-turn and chased me down and asked me out.”

Carla’s looks may have been what sparked Chris’ desire, but the relationship has evolved over the years.

“Carla is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, I could spend years just looking at her and that is just the beginning of my attraction,” he said. “We make each other laugh and smile more than we frown or cry, so that’s a good thing. I appreciate her ability to overlook all of my ‘issues.’ She would tell you that I make her laugh, and I can enjoy watching a chick flick with her.”

Chris and Carla value spending time together.

“This is going to sound silly, but we read aloud to each other,” he said.

“We watch movies a bit, but prefer reading a good book together. True love is sharing your soul with another and becoming one with them without having to sacrifice your love for yourself. You will be more together than you could ever be as individuals.”

Chris used to travel a lot, and on one occasion when he flew into Tulsa and got off the plane he could tell Carla was there.

“I started looking around searching for her, I could just feel her presence,” he said. “After spinning around several times, searching the countless faces, I finally saw her leaning against a wall and smiling that mischievous smile at me. I told myself at that very instant ‘I will marry her.’ The funny thing is, before I could get my act together she asked me first.”

Chris’ advice for newlyweds is to love each other as much as you love yourself.

“Keep that balance,” he said. “Trust, honesty and having fun are key. You don’t owe each other anything. You do what you do because you love each other.”

Sometimes friends play Cupid, as in the case of Gwen and Joe Grayson Jr.

“Wilma Mankiller was our cupid,” said Gwen. “She and I shared an office, and we went to Granny’s Attic after work. Sandwiches were served there 33 years ago.”

They sat by the window, when they spied a handsome man in black leather jacket pulling up on a motorcycle.

“Wilma said, ‘That is my friend Joe Grayson, I’ll introduce him to you,’” said Gwen. “Some years later, she told our children that she actually saw sparks fly around the table when we met. We have done our own personal research, and it seems that many couples know almost immediately upon meeting that ‘this is the one.’”

Her husband Joe believes devotion is the key to a long and happy marriage.

“With time it gets stronger,” said Joe. “Having the same values and beliefs helped us, too, because we were working toward the same ideals.”

High school sweethearts Heather and Brian Winn have been married almost 15 years.

“When I was in the 10th grade and he was a freshman in high school, we rode a school bus to Oklahoma City to watch Fort Gibson play in the basketball state playoffs,” she said. “I guess all that quality time together on the school bus is the beginning of our story. Brian and his buddy flipped sunflower seeds at my friend and I most of the way home, until we switched seats and the romance began.”

Now, she thinks they offset each other very well, and that may be the secret to their success.

“I think love changes and grows, and ours just keeps getting better,” she said.

In her work as an educator for the Oklahoma Cooperative Extension Service, Winn offers advice and insight. She believes anyone planning to get married needs to seek out marriage counseling or education.

Winn said data indicates Oklahoma is a “marrying state” with 82 percent of adults having been married at some point, compared to 73 percent nationally.

Transversely, Oklahoma is also a “divorcing state,” as 32 percent of all adults have been divorced, compared to 21 percent nationally. A higher percentage of currently married Oklahomans have thought about divorce –  56 percent – than married persons in the country as a whole – 42 percent. Those under 20 who marry are the most likely to have gotten a divorce.

Whether male or female, low-income or not, of those likely to have divorced give these two reasons for the demise: A lack of commitment, and too much conflict and arguing.

Gerald and Molly Peterson have stayed together because they worked at it and have fun together.

“Fortunately, we had the same basic values of honesty, hard work, love of country and loyalty to each other,” said Molly.

They will be married 47 years this June.

“We were attracted to each other right away when we met in the student union at Northern Oklahoma Junior College in Tonkawa,” Molly said. “He was just passing through town and had stopped off to see his mother and stepdad. When he saw me, he changed his plans and decided to stay a while.”

They started dating, and were married nine months later.

“I went straight from my daddy’s house to my husband’s house,” she said “Well, my husband’s basement apartment. I was 19 and he was 23.”

When they were working at their first careers, they lived overseas for almost 21 years. Jerry was working for the government.

“We both had a great sense of patriotism, as we learned new languages and tried to fit in with foreign cultures,” Molly said.

After retiring from the Central Intelligence Agency, the couple traveled around until settling in Tahlequah to be near family. They run a fine art studio where Jerry paints.

“One secret to our marital success is that we haven’t been bored a day since we got married,” she said. “Of course, we’ve been close to our three children, fortunately, because now we get to be close to our grandchildren. That is a perk of being married a long time, which I highly recommend.”

She appreciates her husband’s wit and creative mind. He says he appreciates her flexibility and ability to adjust to new situations.

“I would say that the spark burns brighter when we are working in the studio together,” she said. “It is an incredible feeling of connectedness.”

Their advice to newlyweds is learn how to laugh at yourself.

“Look for the humor in every situation, especially the dark, difficult ones,” said Molly. “Go to church together. Pray together every day. Let your spouse know that you love him or her every single day.”