They’re single, and loving it

By TEDDYE SNELL

Fifty years ago, most young women were expected to find a husband, settle down and raise a family. Careers were less important than car pools, bridge clubs and the newest kitchen gadget.

Or were they?

A new study looking at psychological measures published in the Nov. 30 issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships reveals never-married people ages 40 and older can be just as resourceful and well-adjusted as their married counterparts.

“If you look at never-marrieds who are high on mastery – they feel like they are in the driver’s seat and in control of their lives, and high on self-sufficiency – they know how to take care of themselves,” said study author Jamila Bookwala, associate professor of psychology at Lafayette College in Easton, Pa. “They actually have better emotional well-being than married people.”

As part of her research, Bookwala drew from data in the National Survey of MIdlife Development in the United States, looking at responses from more than 1,500 participants, ages 40-74. Respondents identified themselves as either married or never married. Most – 1,486 – were married, while 105 had never taken the trip down the aisle.

“What’s new is the never-married individual is getting attention,” said Bookwala.

Often, never-marrieds are overlooked by researchers, or are combined with people who are separated, divorced or widowed. Bookwala found that never-marrieds are on par with their married counterparts when it comes to psychological resources, or the ability to deal with life challenges.

In fact, Bookwala noted high levels of self-sufficiency may work against people in a marriage.

“For a marriage to work well, you need a certain amount of interdependence,” Bookwala said.

Local business owner Cyndi Tucker was thinking about this subject just the other day.

“I have several people whom I went to school with who never got married, and a lot of the ones who did [get married] never had children,” said Tucker. “But I think they’re well-adjusted people.”

Tucker believes remaining single has been a blessing, in a way.

“I never felt the need to have someone else take care of me,” she said. “Early on, I decided it was important to be independent and take care of myself.”

Tucker used to get pressure about getting married, but now that she’s over 40, people understand she’s happiest doing what she wants, which is remaining single.

“I’m emotionally satisfied,” said Tucker. “And I can take out my own trash. I just never thought about needing someone like that.”

Dr. Dana Eversole, professor of mass communication at Northeastern State University, said her primary focus as a young adult was a career.

“I knew what I wanted to do,” she said. “I wanted to teach at the college level and go to school. I had career goals.”

Eversole adopted her two nephews along the way, and became a single working mother.

“I am very fortunate to have my two nephews,” she said. “I was always very self-sufficient, and having those two boys has been great.”

Eversole said avoiding marriage was never a conscious choice, but it’s where her path took her.

“I got caught up in my career and raising kids, and I never really thought about it. I never looked at myself as a loser for not having gotten married,” she said. “I’m very comfortable with myself. I have very full and comfortable life. I’m surrounded by lots friends and tons of people who help me with my kids and emotionally. I wouldn’t trade my life for anyone’s.”

Hannah Holdcraft said she’s had the opportunity to tie the knot, but opted out.

“I’ve been engaged a couple of times, but the situations didn’t work out,” said Holdcraft.

“I would rather be happy and alone than married and miserable. The only person who’s given me grief about not being married is my married sister.”

Holdcraft agrees that in choosing to stay single, she’s developed a number of skills that give her a sense of independence.

“I know being on my own has helped me develop skills I never would have, like learning to fix things,” she said. “I also enjoy being able to go where I want when I want to go there, and do what I feel like doing.”

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